


A Taste of Infinity

by scrappylittlesomeone



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlesomeone/pseuds/scrappylittlesomeone
Summary: A year after leaving Squahamish, Aster finds a letter in her mailbox, signed from the very girl she has been unable to forget. What happens if they begin writing to each other again, this time both using their real names?
Relationships: Ellie Chu & Aster Flores, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 29
Kudos: 490





	A Taste of Infinity

When the first letter arrived, she almost couldn't believe it.  
I mean, had she been hoping for this to happen? Had she frequently checked the mailbox of her dorm room, only to be disappointed with emptiness, or the occasional commercial flyers?  
Maybe, sometimes. Only, like, every other day.  
But it was more of a habit, something to do at the end of the day to remind her of what had brought her to where she was now, and of the way it had felt to open up her locker in school and get this embarassingly fluttery stomach when she was met with a letter that had her name written on it in that scrawny, very Ellie Chu, kinda way.

Thinking back, she couldn't believe it had taken her so long to understand who had been the true composer of all those messages.  
It had been... painful, to say at least. Knowing you've been tricked by someone you thought you could trust, allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone, only to discover that the honesty hadn't been quite as mutual as you had believed.  
But still, one year later, she found herself sitting on the window sill of her dorm room, like someone from those dramatic rom-coms with cheap lines that bored her so much, with rattling nerves and shaking hands and an innocent looking envelope.  
It really didn't seem like anything special, but the name of the sender on the back made it feel much heavier in Aster's tight grip.

She didn't know what to think of herself.  
Before she had left Squahamish, all the feelings she thought she had for Paul had been gone.  
While he was admittedly very sweet and caring, it was the conversations via letter and text messages with 'him' that had sparked her interest.  
But the thing is... these feelings didn't just vanish when she found out the truth. The person who had evoked them was still very real – just not who she thought.  
She had known that the feeling was wrong, then. She had known it from the tone of her father's voice when he talked about "those gays", from the looks that those in school who were rumoured to be anything other than straight frequently got in school, and the hidden shoves and little pranks they reveived.  
But then she had found herself lying in bed at night, thinking about how it felt to be really seen, to be kissed out of the blue and for it to feel like the world had stopped spinning for a moment – a feeling like hovering in the air, like the first breath after having been underwater - and suddenly she hadn't been so sure anymore if she knew. If she believed what she had been taught.

She hadn't been ready, though. She knew that.  
So she when she was accepted into an Art School halfway across the country, she had packed up her things and left.  
And it was... wonderful. It was freedom. It was getting to decide who she wanted to be.  
It was meeting incredible people, doing and discovering even more things she loved, it was... remembering the conversations with the sweet, awkward girl from her hometown, and maybe, just maybe, missing them the slightest bit.  
So when she had found the letter in her mailbox, she had nearly jumped out of excitement, and her heart had been pumping loudly as she almost ran up the stairs to her dorm room.

Now here she was.  
Carefully, she tore the envelope and pulled out a folded paper.  
'Aster' was written on it, as if the address on the back of the letter didn't make it obvious, as if she wasn't giddy enough already -

_Dear Aster,_

__

_“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”  
That's how Virginia Woolf phrased it. That's how I felt back in Squahamish, most days.  
But I don't feel locked out anymore, now. And I hope you do not still feel locked in.  
As I'm writing this I'm not sure wether to even expect an answer (and don't feel pressured - I'll be fine, either way), but if I do not sent this now, then I never will.  
At least once, I want to write to you using my own name.  
Grinnell College is... amazing. I feel like I'm soaring – I hope you do, too.  
And I also hope you do not mind me getting your address from your little sister.  
I'm afraid hell's whereabouts is the only one your father would have given to me (too soon?).  
Hopefully this does not seem stalkerish.  
But I do miss talking to you; I can't help but wonder what's going on in your mind these days.  
How does your painting look like? Are you painting your boldest strokes? _

_Love, Ellie_

Aster smiled so hard her cheeks hurt. She read the letter again. And again.  
And then she began to compose an answer.

_Dear Ellie,_

__

_If I had been locked in before, then by moving out, I have found the key.  
I guess I should thank you a little bit for that. For pushing me to look for a key in the first place.  
You know how Sartre and Camus grew apart over their very different definitions of freedom?  
I feel like in the same way, people can be brought together in sharing their idea of this highly precious vocable.  
The freedom I chase is similiar to the one you aim for, I think, and I'm glad to hear that you thrive in it as much as I do these days.  
I get bolder each time I pick up the brush – trying, again and again, in an endless act of love for the very life itself.  
Floating through the world like floating in the hot springs._

_Love, Aster_

That was the second beginning of their story. Only this time, it was real – real in the way of hearing the writer's words in their voice when reading the letters, real in knowing the hand that had scribbled on the paper.  
The letters came and went; so many, that Aster eventually needed a second shoebox to stack them in.

Summer faded into Autumn faded into Winter.  
They talked about their studies, the people they met and the thoughts that occurred to them when sitting in a Café or waiting for a bus.  
From time to time, Aster sent small paintings along with her letters.  
In return, she got a photo of the wall above Ellie's bed plastered with them, and sometimes even books the other girl had finished reading and desperately needed to hear Aster's opinion on.

It was nice, it was refreshing and honest and exactly how Aster had always imagined the poets and artists of times long past had written letters to one another – each exploring their own world, and then trying to capture it the best possible to share it with the other.  
Sometimes, that resulted in long, heartfelt discussions, and other times, they were rather random snippets of thoughts. Just like the one letter, that slowly began to change things.

_Dear Aster,_

_Do you want a piece of infinity?  
Listen for its best part: 'California Stars ~ Billy Bragg & Wilco'._

__

__

_Love, Ellie_

The night following the arrival of that letter, Aster found herself on her window sill again, gazing into the rainy street and letting herself get lost in the sweet harmonies of the song.  
The first thing she noticed was that it sounded so much like Ellie.  
Then suddenly, she was overcome by the same feeling she had felt when she was floating in the water of the hot springs with the other, slightly shyer, girl. It filled up her senses and left her breathless.  
When the song ended, it was quiet in the dorm. Aster inhaled shakily, a nervous kind of excitement rushing through her – and yet, she felt incredibly calm.  
Smiling to herself, she unlocked the phone and played the song again.

The following days, Aster listened to 'California Stars' on repeat, images of the very few shared moments with Ellie in Squahamish flooding her mind. She didn't dare to question it.  
And for some time, that was enough.

Until it wasn't anymore.  
When she wrote her next letter addressed to the other girl, she decided to make a bolder stroke.

_Will you be in Squahamish during Spring break?_

* * *

Fuck. Fuckidy.  
Ellie had been to Squahamish quite a few times to visit her father and Paul, yet this time felt somehow very different.  
Which maybe had a little bit to do with a certain brown eyed girl that she hadn't seen in person for now nearly two years.  
Way too slowly, but also way too fast, the train made its way through the familiar landscapes on its way to her hometown.  
She'd see Aster soon.  
And that thought both excited and scared the hell out of her. 

They had always just slightly missed each other before, but also had never really made an effort to coordinate their visits.  
It hadn't felt like the right time, and Ellie didn't feel the need to rush for an encounter.  
Now was different, though. She felt different.  
But she didn't know what to think, what to expect, and it just made her tingly.  
Was it pathetic to admit that she still had a teeny-tiny crush on the other girl?

Being on her own and away from the rainy little town where she had spent most of her life had made her grow calmer, more self-assured.  
Yet here she was, unable to form a coherent sentence for the essay she had planned to write during the train ride and feeling extremely nervous over meeting a girl that most likely wasn't even interested in her that way.  
Whatever.  
They were friends, right? Friends who wrote letters to each other and would now casually meet up.  
Super casual. She could do that.

The monotone voice announcing the next stop silenced her thoughts.  
And when she stepped onto the platform, most of her worries vanished as soon as she spotted her father and Paul.  
Her father hugged her tightly as soon as he could reach her, in his quiet, loving way.  
Ellie let herself fall into his gentle embrace.  
"Welcome home", he whispered.  
Then Paul scooped her into his arms, grinning so brightly that Ellie thought he looked like a puppy as he spinned the complaining and giggling girl around.  
Squahamish felt less grey to her, these days.

The three of them watched a movie ('Notting Hill') and tried Paul's latest creation – banana pancakes with bacon (which tasted surprisingly good, although Ellie wouldn't be caught alive admitting that out loud), and it was... good.  
Ellie realised how much she had missed this, this simple togetherness.  
She let herself to get lost in the moment, discussed the character's stupid decisions with Paul and waited for her father identification of the "best moment".

Until she lay in her bed that evening, and she couldn't push her worries about, well, someone, away any longer.  
What if... what if talking to each other in person after all this time would be awkward?  
What if she would be awkward?  
Who was she kidding, she most certainly will be.  
Why did this seem so complicated?  
She sighed. She was making a way too big of a deal out of this. She wasn't 17 anymore, dammit.  
On the small desk beside her bed, her phone suddenly buzzed.  
(Ellie was too proud to acknowledge the books she knocked onto the ground in her rush of reaching for it)

DiegaRivero: _Hope you had a safe ride! Will pick you up tomorrow around 11. Bring layers._

Ellie answered quickly, added a ghost emoji just in case (she figured that people just used them randomly, and that there didn't need to be a special meaning to them – right?), and then put her phone away again.  
This was fine. She would be fiiine. She had done this before. Ping-pong, right?

*

A heavy silence hung over them.  
After exchanging a quick greeting ("Hi, ghost girl! Alive enough to go somewhere?") and the obligatory "how are you", no further words had been exchanged.  
Ellie felt like she was suffocating. They had been driving for about ten minutes now, and she hadn't muttered a thing.  
Gosh.  
She should say something, shouldn't she? She usually wasn't this bad at talking.  
Come on, anything. The... weather? No, way too boring. Anything else. But what if she said the wrong thing? Something that would make the other girl regret to have come up with this idea, something that would make her stop writing to her -  
"Hey", pierced Aster's voice through her thoughts. "Don't overthink it."  
She smiled at the anxious girl, reached over and softly squeezed her hand.  
Playfully mocking her, Aster began: "So, the immigration bill..."

*

Eventually, they arrived at the hot springs.  
In a way, Ellie had expected that the other girl would take her there, but she still felt flattered that Aster trusted her with this place.  
She knew how sacred it was to her.

This time, she didn't shy away when the other girl took of her shirt.  
Instead, she swallowed hard, then took her sweatshirt off, too.  
For a moment, Aster seemed to be strangely out breath, only to quickly gather herself again.  
"No layers, then?", she teased, her voice only the slightest bit unsteady.  
Ellie just shrugged.  
"I've got nothing to hide."  
Aster smiled at that, then lowered herself into the water, sighing softly as she was envelopped in its soothing warmth.  
This time it was Ellie who froze, lost in the way the other girl immediatly relaxed, how she seemed so vulnerable, so... captivating. Fuck.

Then Aster opened her eyes suddenly, seemingly staring straight into Ellie's very mind.  
Ellie almost couldn't bear the intensity of the gaze, yet she never wanted to look away again.  
To her dismay, Aster eventually shifted her gaze up into the sky and broke the silence.  
"You coming?"  
Ellie nodded numbly, chasing off all the thoughts that were highly inappropriate for a casual meet up with a friend, and slipped into the water.  
Literally.  
Coughing, she came up for air again, a now giggling Aster helping her up.  
"Oh my God, are you okay?"  
"Yeah", mumbled Ellie embarrassed, accusingly looking at the slippery stone that had made her lose her grip. 'How incredibly graceful, way to go', she congratulated herself begrudgingly.

Only then did she turned around and noticed how close she was to the other girl.  
Aster must have noticed too, because she suddenly grew very quiet.  
Soft brown eyes met hers, and for a moment, she saw something flicker accross Aster's face.  
She seemed... contemplative?

Ellie shook off that thought and took a step back. Aster pulled her hand that had held onto Ellie's arm away, and immediatly the smaller girl missed its warmth.  
"Did you bring the radio again?", she asked, successfully distracting herself.  
The other girl lit up as if she'd just remembered something.  
"Nope! But guess what."  
She got out of the water and pulled her phone and a bluetooth box out of her bag.  
With furrowed brows she searched for something on the phone, muttering quietly to herself.  
"Where have I... ah, there it is."  
Triumphantly, she laid the phone on the ground and slipped back into the water as 'California Stars' began to play.

"The song", Ellie stated, momentarily struck that the other girl evidently still listened to it.  
"Yes", confirmed Aster. "I love it."  
Playfully she glided through the water, occasionally splashing waves into Ellie's direction.  
"In fact, I've been singing it so much again the past few days that I'm sure my family regrets inviting me over."  
"Well they haven't listened for the best part, then", answered Ellie, smiling slightly. "Actually, how are things with your family? With you going to Art School and everything?"

Aster grew more serious at that, halting her movements.  
"Well...I think they're more okay with it, now. It still doesn't really fit their picture perfect, but I guess they realised that they can't really change my decision. I think it was more difficult for them to process that I came out as bi last summer."  
Aster laughed slightly at that, though Ellie could feel the slight pain that came with the revelation.  
She imagined that coming out to her family must be a rather to be a hurtful memory for the other, knowing how her father was like.  
"That's really brave of you, telling them. I didn't know you were..." The words got stuck in her throat.  
Aster shrugged. "They're my family. They had to know eventually. And... yeah. It took me some time to realise, but... yeah." She lowered her gaze at that, concentrating on the way her fingers were now gently treading the water.

It was then that Ellie decided to risk being bold.  
"What made you realise it?" She took a careful step into the other girl's direction.  
Aster froze, her hands hovering just above the water's surface.  
Then, slowly, she looked up, searching for the other's eyes.

She must have found the answer to an unasked question in Ellie's expression, because she began to make her way over to the other girl.  
Unhurriedly, Aster lifted her slightly trembling hands out of the water, gently touching Ellie's unusually reddened cheeks.  
Both girls panted shallowly through their mouths, eyes flickering over each other's faces.  
"This", breathed Aster.

In the same moment, they both moved forward.  
Again, an unspoken question met a wordless answer.  
Ellie felt the mountains beginning to quiver, the trees shivering and clouds exploding – and yet, at the same time, she felt nothing other but Aster's soft, soft lips moving against hers, the warmth of the other girl's waist where here hands had naturally landed (when did that happen?) and the other girl's hands now tightly holding her face, bringing her impossibly closer.  
It was... the greatest painting.  
An eternity later, they parted slightly, both breathless and slightly flushed.  
"I've been wanting to do this for ages", whispered Aster against the smaller girl's lips.  
"Me too", whispered Ellie back, then crossed the distance between them once again for just another small taste of infinity.


End file.
